|Image Source: www.lovethispic.com|
Hello! This post has been sitting in my drafts for some time, but I had not been able to get myself to a place to be able to publish it until now. Writing it has been really difficult but at the same time really comforting.
This Christmas had been a really difficult one. My stepdad passed away suddenly from a heart attack in November. I woke up in the early hours of the Friday morning, the day that he passed. This was really unusual as I had been really tired from work, my PGCE placement and university all week. I'd woken up from a really strange dream. All I could see was my stepdad's face, he was talking to me but I couldn't hear him. I didn't feel unhappy or sad but I had a feeling I couldn't really explain. After waking up and briefly looking around the room I drifted off back to sleep. A short time later I woke up to see my brother Gavin stood in the bedroom doorway. He was struggling to tell Ian and I something but couldn't find the words. I knew before he opened his mouth what it was he was going to say. My stepdad, Steve, was gone. I don't see myself as a religious person or one that believes in spirits but it was an experience where I find comfort in believing he came to say goodbye.
I never really knew my biological dad, he died when I was really young and I have no memory of him. I don't know what his voice sounded like or how he would laugh. I only know what he looked like from family photos. For as long as I can remember my stepdad had been a part of my life and although I never called him dad he was for all intents and purposes my dad and I feel blessed to have known him. He was there for me when I was little, teaching me about all his travels around the world. He was there for me as a teenager when I went off the rails. He was there for me on my wedding day, to walk me down the aisle. I will have my wedding photos to cherish forever, and they mean even more to me now.
Not having Steve with us over Christmas has been really tough. Loosing someone is really painful but loosing them at a time like Christmas makes things even more difficult to come to terms with. As much as my family and I have been grieving we some how managed to pull together to make this Christmas really special. It was special for many more reasons too. Ian and I celebrated our first Christmas together in our own flat. My brother Adi and his wife Jo celebrated their first child Joshua's first Christmas. Its these special times that helps us to remember that even when we loose someone so special to us, we have to find a way to carry on and find peace in knowing that even though they are no longer hear in the physical sense, they were still there to share it with us.
"May angels lead you in..." - Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World.
Claire Louise Xx